


I Would Give Up My Own Kingdom (To Love You So)

by sadpendragon



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Not A Happy Ending, Past Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28943100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadpendragon/pseuds/sadpendragon
Summary: Gwen’s shoulders slumped as she sighed. “Mithian…”“Can’t we simply enjoy each other’s company?” The short clipped tone laced with impudence told Gwen everything she needed to know about the state in which the other woman was right now. Over the weeks of getting to know each other, she had found out that the brunette princess had a knack for getting easily frustrated. It reminded her of a certain someone. Which wasexactlythe problem.
Relationships: Gwen/Mithian (Merlin)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 14
Collections: Gwen Fest





	I Would Give Up My Own Kingdom (To Love You So)

**Author's Note:**

> For week 3 of the Gwen Fest: Meet-Cute (Femslash & Rarepair)

The familiar sound of the door closing behind her marked her maidservant’s departure from her chambers, and the beginning of Gwen’s accustomed but grievous nightly loneliness. The firm creak of the door locking was unmistakable, but following it came the sound of footsteps that should not be there. This might be cause for alarm, but Gwen had a sinking feeling for who those light steps marching towards her might belong to. A person who would sneak in the dead of night to her chambers, waiting for the exact moment her maidservant left. Cunning.

“I thought I told you to stop doing this.” Gwen wrapped her shawl tighter around herself like a protective shield. The cold of the night caught up to her now that the fire was put out. Unmoving, she stayed where she was, looking out the window while the stalking figure moved closer.

“Hmm,” the woman hummed. “I thought we’d cleared up how stubborn I was already, your majesty.”

Gwen’s shoulders slumped as she sighed. “Mithian…”

“Can’t we simply enjoy each other’s company?” The short clipped tone laced with impudence told Gwen everything she needed to know about the state in which the other woman was right now. Over the weeks of getting to know each other, she had found out that the brunette princess had a knack for getting easily frustrated. It reminded her of a certain someone. Which was _exactly_ the problem.

“You deserve better,” Gwen said, knowing it would not be enough but that it was the blunt truth.

Mithian hummed, her chest was now fully pressed against Gwen’s back. The heat emanating from the other woman’s body sent a thrill running through hers. Gwen let out a shaking breath when soft lips pressed against her shoulder. It sent a shiver from her spine all the way up to her neck and woke up dormant places that hadn't been stimulated in a long time. Seemingly without her control, Gwen leaned back into the touch and closed her eyes. It felt good, it felt warm, it felt comforting. The lips kissing her body travelled further up her neck and Gwen shuddered back into reality. Trying to ignore the heat, she turned around, her face set into a controlled display of neutrality.

Mithian stared back and rolled her eyes, looking up like a petulant child who wasn’t getting what she wanted. “I don't want better, Guinevere. I want _you_.”

Gwen’s throat felt thick with emotion. “I can’t give you what you want. It’d never be all of me.”

“I’ll take whatever you can give me.”

“Well, not my heart,” she pressed. “It belongs to the dead.”

Mithian’s smile was sad but steady, _hopeful_. “Then I shall take your time. And maybe”—she gently took a piece of Gwen’s hair between her fingers and tucked it behind her ear—“maybe the tenderness of your touch. However you’ll allow me to have it.”

The weight of the situation came crashing down Gwen’s gut. She did not want to break her friend’s heart. Gwen would not, _could not_ , love the way she had before. And letting Mithian get what she wanted was dangerous for the woman herself. The princess was not going to stay in Camelot forever, she had her own kingdom to attend to. Will giving in make it harder for her to leave? Or will it quench her thirst? Gwen knew it wouldn’t. You do not look at a mere itch that needed scratching the way Mithian looked at Gwen.

Gwen gulped down the heaviness in her throat, took Mithian’s hand away from where it rested on her cheek now and kissed the inside of her palm softly. Then, she let the hand fall from her grip to stand next to her table, putting needed distance from the tension that had formed between them. The reaction on Mithian’s face was immediate. But the deep frown and the hard set of her jaw did not hide the sadness in her eyes.

“I hope one day you will be loved with the passion your heart deserves,” Gwen said gently.

It was better to break her heart now, than make her think she could still have this. The tears swimming on the edges of Mithian’s eyes right now would be the first of many, but at least they would not be charged with the heaviness of a shared and allowed tenderness ripped away.

“I know you think you’re protecting me, but I don’t care.” Mithian’s voice was low, her throat heavy with the stubborn force of not allowing any tears to leave her eyes. “We are neighbouring kingdoms, we can make it work. And well...” she let out a breathy chuckle, “I would give up my kingdom to be able to love you.”

“But I wouldn’t,” Gwen said sadly. “This kingdom is my priority. When you’re back in yours, I will be leading this kingdom,”—she gulped down the heaviness in her own throat—“ and you will not be on my mind.”

“You’re lying!” she shouted. “You might not be able to give me your heart fully, but you _care_ for me. I _know_ you do. And I’ve seen what you do for the people you care for.”

It was Gwen’s turn to get impatient and frustrated. “But don’t you get it?” she started, her eyes fierce and her resolve unwavering. “I don’t _want_ to share this with you. _I can’t bear it!_ ” The cracking of her voice mirrored the crack inside her heart. Did Mithian truly not see how very much she resembled him? It ached Gwen’s heart like a healing wound someone kept deliberately putting pressure on. “You may think it is a reprieve of stolen tender moments between the two of us. But it _isn't_ for me. Being with you... _hurts_. I know for you this is the right time, you need this, you want this... But you came at the wrong time for me.”

Mithian’s tears were freely spilling now. And so were Gwen’s. “I’m sorry,” the princess whispered. “I didn’t...realise…” Then she promptly ran out of Gwen’s chambers.

Gwen glided down to the floor and cried. Had she made the wrong choice to let this go? To not even try? Should she have allowed inevitable hurt for some moments of joy? It wasn't the right time for her. But maybe it never would be the _right_ time…

**Author's Note:**

> yea the title is in reference to mithian’s feelings, not gwen’s. sorry.
> 
> thank you neb for the beta read and help!! <3


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